SHOOT FIRST, AVOID QUESTIONS LATER! Today's Dirt won't be up for very long, because yer old pal Jerky is doing his diggity-dog-darnedest to get back on some kind of calendar based schedule. As a result, you may never even get to read this edition, which raises questions as to why I'm bothering to write it... Anyhoo, for those of you who stumbled across this page at this particular moment in time -- even if it was due to a url typo -- there's plenty of interesting links and cool videos and other stuff we here at the Daily Dirt like to refer to as filler... which is a pretty insulting name for something that, let's be honest, offers far more entertainment value than the overwrought polemical jeremiads usually occupying this virtual space. So... enjoy as you will! - YOPJ *** **** *** SERIOUS AS A HEART ATTACK As expected, the late night wags had their fun at Dick Cheney's expense on Monday night, with the best zingers by far coming from the crack crew at The Daily Show. Yer old pal Jerky suspects Leno and Letterman took it relatively easy on the first day because they know they're going to be milking this puppy for all it's worth over the next, say, decade or so. After all, it's not every day that a 78-year-old lawyer gets shot in the face by the most sinister American political figure since Richard Milhous Nixon. Historically, Cheney is the first vice preznit to shoot a man since the Burr/Hamilton duel. Besides which, all the elements are just hanging there like ripened fruit, begging to be plucked. The parallels between Cheney's hunting style and his governing style, for instance, are now glaringly obvious. In both cases, he chose to shoot first and avoid questions, later. And wasn't the search for Saddam Hussein -- in which the military was only sent in after United Nations inspectors spent months combing Iraq for non-existent WMD -- something of a canned hunt, itself? The possibilities are endless. We'll keep you posted. The first online videogame to capitalize on Dick Cheney's hunting accident was bound to be the shittiest. That's just the way it goes. You can either do it fast, or you can do it right. These guys chose to do it fast. Sometimes, initiative is its own reward. Nick-nack, patty-whack, give the dog a creepy 9/11-themed music video that mashes Led Zeppelin's Viking anthem Immigrant Song with an old nursery rhyme. Do you practice the ancient Oriental art of origami? Sure, we all do! But these guys take paper-folding to a whole new level. They're like origami savants or something. Do you think it's going to make a difference to abused children when they find out that The Incredible Hulk is looking out for them? As a child of the 70's, I know it would have made one hell of an impression on Baby Jerky. Speaking of abusing children, the calm, steady hand of the camera operator in this inappropriately hilarious video has "big brother" written all over it. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY February 13 On this day in 1692, the MacDonald clan is murdered on orders from King William III. Now you know the sinister, blood-drenched back-story that informs one of the world's most beloved corporate mythologies. Who knew that the cannibalistic clan-king Big Mac, the notorious turn-coat Mayor McCheeze, and the obese warlock Grimus would one day find a second life as puppety pitch-men for deep-fried junk food? On this day in 1924, after a 30 year search, Howard Carter penetrates King Tut's long-sealed tomb in Egypt's Valley of Kings. He was the first human being to lay eyes on the dead boy king in nearly three millennia. Grave robbing + 3000 years = legitimate archeology! On this day in 1935, German immigrant Bruno Hauptmann is found guilty of kidnapping and murdering aviator Charles Lindbergh's infant baby. Oddly, this didn't prevent Lindbergh from lending his vocal support of German dictator Adolf Hitler during the lead-up to America entering World War II.

THEY SAID IT! "We were shocked to see the word 'sedition' used. Sedition? That's like something out of the history books. Is this government so jealous of its power, so fearful of dissent, that it needs to threaten people who openly oppose its policies with charges of sedition?" - The answer, apparently, is a resounding yes. *** **** *** "If they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don't have to worry about the answers." - Thomas Pynchon, American novelist.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Jim Eby! Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Colts flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Peyton." said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Peyton felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3 story mansion with a blue and white sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flag pole with an enormous Seahawks flag, and in every window a blue Towel. Peyton looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro quarterback, I hold many NFL records, and I even went to the Hall of Fame." God said, "So what's your point Peyton?" "Well, why does Matt Hasselbeck get a better house than me?" God chuckled, and said, "Peyton, that's not Matt's house, it's mine." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Kerusty for sending in today's second joke. St. Peter was checking IDs at the gates of heaven. He asked a man, "What did you do on Earth?" The man said, "I was a doctor." St. Peter said, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates." "Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher." "Go right through those pearly gates." "Next! And what did you do on Earth?" "I was a musician." "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Andy S... A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. " Then get your own blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: MORE GUN TALK care of: Black Dog Jerkster, Having sent you a pic of me [and my son] posing with a deer I killed, I'm pretty confident you understand I have more than a passing familiarity with firearms. I have 11 years regular Army in combat arms, and that again in the reserves as an instructor [mostly]. I own several firearms, and have been trained by the Army, the St. Charles Police Academy, and years of shooting with family and friends. I have qualified expert on both US Army ranges and an NRA approved police range, and I was a basic marksmanship instructor at Fort Hood, TX. I say all that to say this: Your friends Swampwitch and B'ski [sp?] are both right on a number of points, but they disagree [I believe] in matters of opinion. Swampwitch is no more full of shit than anyone else posting here. If B'ski thinks the Ruger Mini 14 "kicks," maybe he should try a Daisy air rifle. The 7mm Remington Magnum fired from a Ruger Model 77 "kicks," but is manageable. The Mini 14 kicks? G'wan... He's absolutely right about the value of a good reliable .22LR, a good 12 gauge, training until it becomes reaction, and several other points. He does seem a tad paranoid, but that may be called for In These Dark Times. As to having a gun collection and showing them to friends, well, maybe he uses the term "friend" more loosely than I do. COL Cooper [PBUH] wrote "Beware the man who has only one gun. He probably knows how to use it." Bottom line: Get something you're comfy with and practice, practice, practice. Elmer Keith [PBUH] said get the biggest gun you can handle, and practice. You might want to do that, you might not. Why is the Snap On Tools delivery truck so big? Because there is no one tool for every job. There are so many different firearms for the same reason. You find what works for you. Enjoy the search. "Nothing will put your life priorities in order for you like some SOB enthusiastically trying to kill you." - Black Dog FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Today, February 12, 2006, Vice President Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter in Texas. This fact and all of the troubles encountered by our President even when eating a pretzel, shows why you shouldn't get deferments from serving in the Armed forces. One is definitely mechanically challenged, the other cant even shoot straight. If they had served our country in time of war as I and millions of others did, they wouldn't be having all of these problems. MTR, Vietnam Vet in Kissimmee Florida [Come on, MTR! Who among us hasn't accidentally peppered a septuagenarian with birdshot whilst skirting quail in the Texas brush? - Jerky] *** **** *** The gun debate has been an interesting discourse. My gun favorites are a 20 gauge shotgun. It won't tear up your house and will still scare the shit out of anybody hanging around who shouldn't be. You can hunt with it, too. Mossberg is as good as any. I have a Hi-Point .380 ACP. Sure, it is plastic, but all you do with them is put bullets in them and shoot them. It will do the job at short range. My favorite long gun is the M-1 Carbine. Very light and easy handling. The action was designed by David Ruger. I have a Marlin .22. Very light, very simple. You can kill anything with it. Plus, it has a range of 1 1/2 miles. I had a Ruger Redhawk .357 stainless. I would rather have a .357 than a .44. My survivalist friend liked the .357, too. He had a Stevens over-and-under 20 gauge and .357. He didn't want to sell it. I figure it is better to have a gun and not need than to need it and not have it. C the D [Indeed. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hello my friend, I have not written to you, or your fine publication, for a couple of years now; because you have said it all quite clearly for me. You and your audience may be interested in the fact that this magnificent bastard has JUST LIT THE FUSE! Take good care my friend. just, ericsongs [Leave it to the Goffmeister. - Jerky] *** **** *** Bad drinks: One day all I had for cocktail ingrdients was a bottle of dry white vermouth and Fresca, so I mixed 'em together & drank 'em up but I wouldn't drink it again. For ice fishing I wanted a big hot thermos of "Bullshot" (vodka & steaming hot beef bouillon soup) but I was out of vodka... only had scotch so I used that but I wouldn't drink it again. Say... why do they call them "cocktails" anyway? Vogt [According to Wikipedia, there are several plausible theories as to the origin of the term cocktail. Among them are: 1. Some say that it was customary to put a feather (presumably from a cock's tail) in the drink to serve both as decoration and to signal to teetotalers that the drink contained alcohol. 2. Another etymology is that the term is derived from coquetier, a French egg-cup which was used to serve the beverage in New Orleans in the early 19th century. 3. The word could also be a distortion of Latin [aqua] decocta, meaning distilled water. So there you go. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; I agree in the part with B'SKI's choice of weapons. The .22 is probably the most easily available cheapest and underrated weapon around. Not great at distance but most contacts are 30 yards or less. A semi auto that allows you to rapidly punch as many holes as possible is great. People when shot do not die and drop as in the movies, unless there is a head shot they keep moving, at least for a while. Forget the gun salesman's sales line of 'the stopping power of this will knock down an elephant'. Bullshit! Newtons basic laws of physics states "for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction" ie; if it knocks down an elephant with its impact energy then you who fired such a weapon would be flat on your back with a pulverized shoulder. Where I disagree is the choice of handgun. If the distance involved is greater than 10 yards use a rifle you may actually hit something. If it is less a .22 automatic will probably do the job for you. Low or standard ammo with a silencer will stop you upsetting the neighbours. Holding the weapon tightly against the person will also keep it quiet. Again use as much ammo as you can to ensure the required result. Herb [Alright, you guys are starting to freak me out. - Jerky] *** **** *** Scary shit, my old pal ... -- Best, David In Denmark [I love the part in the sub-headline where they ask: "Will it go to far?" Ha! - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, you are definitely right, FZ was (is!!) a true genius. I'll always remember the few concerts I was lucky to attend in France back in the seventies. And I am glad when i think of all the FZ records I still have to listen to. Cheers, J. Roque, La Rochelle, France [Having never seen FZ play live, I envy you. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com