ONE HELLUVA BALLOT! As you may or may not be aware, the campaign to "recall" last year's election of California governor Gray Davis has officially succeeded, and a special election has been set for October 7 of this year. Here's how it's going to work: When they show up at the polls on October 7, voters will be faced with two choices. The first will be whether or not they wish to keep Gray Davis as governor. Secondly, they will be asked who should replace Davis if more than half of those who vote in this special election choose to recall him. Everybody who votes gets to choose a replacement for Davis, even if they vote to keep him as governor. If the recall attempt is successful, then the next governor of California will be the person who receives the most votes on the second part of the ballot. Unless, of course, lieutenant governor Cruz Bustamante chooses to flex his constitutionally-mandated muscle by simply assuming the governorship, himself, thereby nipping this anti-democratic initiative with a rather un-democratic stratagem of his own. But, considering the potential fallout, that's about as likely as John Ashcroft converting to Islam. So… is that clear enough for you? Does it make perfect sense and all that? No? Well, too fuckin' bad, sweetie pie, cuz that's how it's going down, regardless. But don't get too upset, because this is where the fun REALLY begins… To be included as an alternative to Gray Davis on the special election ballot, the only thing prospective gubernatorial wannabes have to do is submit their 65 signatures and their thirty-five hundred dollar registration fee to the state legislature by August 9. Yer old pal Jerky hasn't seen a bar set this low since he judged a limbo competition at an anorexic midget contortionists convention back in 1996. And you know what that means, don't you? It means political HI-LARITY! Let's take a closer look at the front-runners among those who would be governor… shall we? Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! July 28 On this day in 1794, French revolutionary Maximilien François Marie Isidore de Robespierre loses his head to one of the many guillotines he, himself, helped to erect across France during his "Reign of Terror." On this day in 1945, a B-52 US Army bomber crashes into the 79th floor of the Empire State Building. 14 people die in the resulting explosion. ...and, just to catch up with ourselves... July 29 On this day in 1987, hippy ice cream entrepreneurs Ben & Jerry team up with Greatful Dead frontman Jerry Garcia to create a popular new flavor: Cherry Garcia. Subsequent partnerships with other musicians, resulting in such flavors as Grape Slick, Strawberry Pearl Jam, and M&Eminem&M, were nowhere near as successful. Also on this day, in the year 1981, England's Prince Charles marries Lady Diana Spencer, and they lived happily ever after!

THEY SAID IT! "I told her she was stupid for marrying her own daddy. I told him he was crazy and stupid. I told her I didn't ever want to hear from her again." - A distraught Shirley Crayne discusses the recent arrest of her youngest daughter and her ex-husband on incest charges, after the deviant duo got married in - where else? - Alabama! Way to live down to your stereotype, folks! *** *** *** "I'm sorry, the number you have dialed is no longer in service. Please hang up and try again." - So spake Jane Barbe, and so heard you all. Recordings made by the "telephone voice lady" were heard an estimated 40 million times a day throughout the 80s and 90s. Barbe passed away from cancer complications last week. She was 74 years old.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Tucson John (aka "The Tucs"). A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a very attractive woman sitting next to him. He thinks to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant! But I wonder which airline she works for?" Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Nope, not Delta." A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Come and fly the friendly skies?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched United off the list. Next he tried the Southwest slogan, "You are now free to move about the country." This time the woman turned on him, "What the fuck do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said... "Ahhh, yes, American Airlines!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Creative Dave for sending in today's second joke. Two Irish women, Mrs O'Shey and Mrs O'Rourke, were at the wake of Mrs's O'Sheys husband. As each of the mourners passed the casket, they would ask: "Dear Mrs O'Shey, what a shame your poor husband died at such a young age, tell me dear, what did the good man die of?" Mrs O'Shey would tell each of the towns people, "He died of the Gonorrhea." After a while Mrs O'Rourke had heard enough and confronted Mrs O'Shey. "You know darling, you are not telling the truth! Each of these lovely people have come to pay their respects and you are telling them that Mr O'Shey died of the Gonorrhea when in fact you know that he died of the Diarrhea!" At which point Mrs O'Shey said: "Well, I'd rather he goes out as a sporting man than the drizzling shit that he was." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's shitty joke was sent in by Will Rogers. The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several night-clubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business!

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hi there Jerky, The answer to your reader's problems of censored transparent proxys can be found here at http://www.antiproxy.com/anticensoring.php?op=P0rt-Blocks/index.htm. It seems to have been written regarding Arab League countries. Hope it helps! Cheers, Angus. You see, Sam-from-yesterday-who-was-asking-about-how-to-get-around-Middle-Eastern-proxy-servers? All you need to do is ask, and ye shall receive! *** **** *** I am member of dailydirt.com and I want that they have the amiability to say the steps to me for that I must to be see free pics of January to June of year 2003. Thanks for its attention and I wait for a quick answer of you. Signed: Edgar Silva (P.S. - Sorry my english.) Damn, dude... that was English?! Yer old pal Jerky considers himself to have a pretty good grasp of that language, and he hasn't got the first clue what you're trying to say, here. Maybe try sending it in French next time, or Swedish, or Swahili. Maybe use all three of those languages in the same e-mail. It couldn't possibly come out any more confusing! *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Don't worry about being fat as hell. You just as well die from being way overweight as for some crack head kill you on the street corner for the 20 bucks you got in your pocket. NO one is guaranteed tomorrow. Signed: Rich Cole On an existential level, I totally grok your spiel, Rich. On the other hand, who wants to be stuck having to pay triple-price for a double-wide funeral casket? Plus, what if after the funeral all my pall-bearers develop hernias? Believe yer old pal Jerky when he tells you he doesn't need that kind of trouble in his life... or death, as the case may be.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: TOP ELEVEN THINGS THAT SHOULD PISS US ALL OFF! According to: Jeff 1. When "based-on-a-true-story" and "ripped-From-The-Headlines!" isn't quite enough for our short-attention-span/reality-crazed populus, I submit to you, gentle reader, the following: "Gulf War; redux" available on DVD and VHS. Granted, we can't use "based-on-a-real-story". How about "Based-on-a-load-of-crap"? 2. When are people going to get it through their heads that a genetic human clone while sharing the same physical traits are not guaranteed to share the same personality traits? I could clone Stalin, raise him in a Tibetan monestary, and probably end up with a rather passive and nice guy. 3. If we're so damn obnoxious and the Brits are so uptight, how come none of our newspapers have a page 3 girl? 4. For a Preznit who is supposed to be so gung-ho for our military, why is it that his proposed tax cut won’t be enjoyed by the majority of our fighting forces because THEY DON’T MAKE ENOUGH MONEY?! 5. Does anybody really, honestly believe that 9/11 could have been prevented? Any jack-ass can sit back, review all the information with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight and say “oh yeah, here’s all the signs”. More knee-jerk cover-our-congressional-asses. 6. If gun makers can be sued by the families of someone who was shot, why can’t the families of someone killed/maimed in a DWI car-wreck sue GM? 7. Doesn’t it seem odd that they sequester Jennifer Lynch for months but within minutes of the Hussein brothers being dead, THEIR pictures are sent out over the wire? 8. Speaking of Jennifer Lynch, her speech was about as canned as any of the Preznit’s. Was the bit about "I'm also grateful to several Iraqi citizens who helped save my life while I was in their hospital" an error on the part of her re-programming that was surely done? Thanking the Iraqis?? That goes against being livin’ proudly here in ‘merica. (Or so we’re told.) Full transcript here! 9. Dixie Chicks vs. Tobie Keith? Who cares? Ok, so this doesn’t so much piss me off as it does make me chuckle. Is this the country/western version of the East Coast vs. West Coast rivaly? If so, what happens next, they start spitting chewin’ "tobaccy" and throw belt buckles at each other? Also, notice that big bad-ass Mr. Keith takes on the Chicks but is smart enough to steer clear of The Boss (Springsteen) who was came to their defense to (horrors of horrors) exercise their right of free speech. 10. Liberia: How long is it before some idiot (probably southern congressman or holy-roller) comes out and says “See whut happins when ya let ah bunch o’ ne-grows make der own kun-tree?” Cheers! YOP Jeff [I couldn't help but notice that Toby Keith was also mum about Willie Nelson's vocal anti-Dubya stance. Scoring points off the Chicks - relative newcomers in an industry that is obsessed about its own history - is easy. Bashing a living legend is a bit more complicated. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com